This last winter in Chicago we were introduced to a new phrase, at least for me, that of “Polar Vortex.” It’s a truly horrid experience in which you get to learn first hand just how cold minus 35 degrees (f) is. One day I awoke in a foul mood looking forward to another day of freezing. Grumbling the whole way, I stopped at my local coffee shop as is my custom on the way to work and was only thinking about myself, my own troubles, and woe is me. A few parking spaces away, a woman and her child got out of their car about the same time I exited my own. The child, a girl of about 10, stood up and raised her head to the sun and let loose a smile from ear to ear. The thing that made my breath catch in my throat was that when she raised her head, her cap fell off and revealed a bald head and nearly translucent skin. As I watched, the little girl continued her smile while dancing around her mother on the way into the store oblivious to the cold; just happy to be able to dance in the sunshine. It took me a few moments to collect myself and dry my eyes from the reminder that my problems aren’t that bad. I’ve thought about that little girl a few times since then too but not so much as in the last few weeks. The reason is kind of simple; I just had brain surgery three days ago and was released from the hospital today. It started, or at least seemed, innocuously and discovered almost by accident. Looking back, perhaps a good deal of what I had put down to as old injuries, aches and pains may not have been that at all but instead a tumor growing in my head; the doctor says probably not but we will never know. The only thing I do know is that now I’m waiting for biopsy results and looking up terms like Gilomas and levels I-IV tumor classifications. The strange thing is that, when I got the news, my emotional reaction was that of calm. I haven’t shed a tear yet nor do I intend to. I do have to say, however, that certain things have come into focus for lack of a better term. It’s almost like standing outside yourself and looking not only in, but outward as well on not only on my own state, but that of the world as well.
I could bore you to tears with terms like “Wabi Sabi” and other esoteric nonsense but I’ll try to be brief and concise. One thing I am, however, certain of and it’s this; EVERYTHIING is a gift! Every sunrise, every hour, every minute and in those moments are the secrets that we all are looking for; magic. We all look for it and seem to want to believe that it exists in the type of form sold to us by way of Hogwarts, Ministries of Magic and the like and nothing could be further from the truth. Magic exists in its true form in a way that we all practice it without even knowing at the time and in its simplest form; that of trying to be decent to each other. How many of you reading this at some point in your life can look back on something that happened that changed your perspective if even of a minute to actually see the world around you? For me, one of those days was that little girl taking her own moment of joy in the sun. What was yours? The hardest part is in trying to stay open to those moments when they present themselves.
Anyone who has ever suffered my prior writings knows the importance I place on personal perspective. Well now it seems that my own paradigm has shifted a little in that for me perspective seems to be only a paving stone on the road to clarity. We’ve all had moments of clarity throughout our lives but I have a tendency to think that we view those times as fleeting and actually try to get past them as quickly as we can; oftentimes out of necessity. For me, those moments often came when I found myself in a life an death situation. During some of those times, I just KNEW without any logical way of explaining it, that today was not the day no matter how dangerous the situation and, probably, that was what granted me the clarity to see and navigate the situation (other times it was sheer dumb luck). As I wait for the biopsy results it’s kind of the same way. The tumor may come back benign, low grade, or as a nightmare three month out the door worst case scenario but here’s the thing; it doesn’t matter. Let the results come back worst case, let them tell me that treatment isn’t even worth it, let them tell me they are just taking me to deaths door and leaving me on the stoop, thats fine because then what happens is I kick in the door, drag the SOB out for a beating and walk home. I’ve told a few people that and they “compliment” me on my “attitude” (frankly annoying) because it isn’t and I don’t know how to explain it in any kind of way that doesn’t sound like hubris which it isn’t either. The only people who seem to get it have been in situations like what I’ve mentioned (certain immediate life and death kinds of things). The only thing I know is what I know and it is my sincere hope that if you don’t understand my last statement, you never do because to get there, you have to walk a road of very sharp stones.
In the martial art I train in, I’m surrounded by a bunch of cool folks all of whom work not just to defend themselves, but how to protect others as well including those who attack us if possible; Ethical Protectors if you will and in the last few years of training I found myself undergoing a sea change in philosophy in that I found that applications for the art almost more effective outside the physical application than in. Yes, there are times when you can’t avoid conflict but more often than not I think, it’s used far too frequently and more like a crutch or easy way out. In the dojo, we often talk about “shaping the space” by which you lead the attacker to the required destination allowing them to either disengage or no longer be able to fight. In the beginning, I took that to mean the whole thing came from only one side of the equation and it took a few years for it to sink in (what can I say, I’m a slow learner). Now however, it seems to me that the process requires not only the leading aspect but that you also MUST remain open to the aspect of the unknown, the creative spark that can come from anyplace and if you aren’t open to that possibly, no amount of personal will is going to help you navigate the road and this situation has granted me the clarity to see that more for what it is. One of the things I realize is that even this is a gift I’ve been given for what ever reason; my only hope is that in some small way I can use it to possibly help others even if I never learn of it; maybe even by this post.
Everything we have is a gift of some sort; both the good and the bad. We have only to remain open to the creative spark that fuels both sides of our lives allow that magic of the world in and out which is way harder to practice than sounds but possible. So in closing, look for more along these lines anyplace you can and see how it works for you because not today, tomorrow, or for a long time, but someday I will slip this mortal coil and on that day I will touch the face of god and ride the veil between the universe and structure of mans dreams but I’ll still be around; watching and listening. When I do, the only thing I want to hear from any of you is either laughter or the sound of feet dancing in the cold winter sun….
